Can you have Aims for your divorce or separation?

Why should litigation be allowed to make a break- up even worse than it need be? 


I know many solicitors who don’t want litigation as the divorce solution.   They are prepared to work with me towards a smooth transition.   In Brighton there is a group of professionals – (a collaborative networking group) who work towards better solutions for us all. 


At the moment I see more people once they have come through the legal process of divorce or separation.   But I have also seen people who have managed to keep a reasonable relationship going throughout the process.   It makes an enormous difference.   Firstly if there are children concerned there is an obvious need for continued collaboration for some years which needs consideration.   Children don’t get divorced; you probably don’t want them to feel like that either.   But even with no children involved, why should you not want minimum conflict in your break- up.   Can it be as civilised as possible?


So who says that is easy? 


We are at our most vulnerable when things aren’t going well: destabilised, hurt, confused, angry, remorseful, guilty.    It’s a time we need support.   Divorce is bound by legal considerations but the decision to divorce or separate is a psychologically emotional event, often for more than just the two people seemingly involved.       


At a first meeting – see my blog post  Working together towards a good divorce:free session 1.9.11, I am suggesting that you see me, along with a solicitor trained in collaborative practice, as your first step.   In this first session it is a time to talk about your hopes and fears and what you want to achieve as well as discussing your legal position.   You will be seeing two supportive professionals together to show you different options before opting for litigation, for example mediation or collaborative practise.   With better planning, and a measured approach achieving your goals may not seem so far away.

This entry was posted in alternatives to court, Behavioural Therapy, Collaboration, Counselling, Dispute resolution, Divorce, Life coaching, Loss, Parents, Positive thinking, Psychotherapy, Relationship break-down, Relationships, Self Help, Separation. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Can you have Aims for your divorce or separation?

  1. A collaborative approach is the best approach. When a couple have made the decision to divorce confrontation is simply not conducive towards a positive outcome. It is always advisable that spouses do their best to maintain a positive relationship (particularly if they have children) and an amicable divorce can only help with this.

  2. Dominic Wakefield says:

    I worked with Susie when I was going through my divorce. It was a confusing time with a range of new situations and emotions that I was not used to. It was the pain of every one around me – wife, children, parents and brothers etc – that was difficult to deal with. Then there was the money and lawyers. For me, the most important part was my wife and children – to get them to a stage where they could see that it was not the end of the world and that given some healing time all would be well. So the challenge was to get through the emotion (anger, sadness, scared, guilt…..) to a point where we (my wife & I) could communicate.
    Susie was brilliant in teaching me the language of reconciliation by being able to talk about the emotions without being accusatory. My aim was to get through the divorce successfully. Success being defined by a divorce settlement being in place but also where we were friends again and the children being in a place where they could see the their parents happy with each other. Ambitious aims – it takes time (2 to 5 years) but with patience and Susie’s help, it works.
    I suspect that arguments about money are often the toughest part to get through. We were lucky at the time – I had made some money through the sale of my company shares. That reduced some of the pain.
    Mary (my ex) is now remarried. She told her new husband that I was her best friend! She is regarded as part of my family still – invited to all family events and stays with me and my new wife. She is the mother of my children so holds an important position in my life.

  3. hi, I have reseached this will the help of susie and other professionals in her field, and her perspective on this is so true. people seperate, divorce and grief for all different reasons and the main thing is to have an aim and move forward. i myself have gone through counselling to help through a breakup of a relationship and it made me understand more about myself and the reasons as to how and why i was behaving. having children in a seperation is the hardest thing as you are trying to heal yourself and also heal the wounds in your children and this takes time. i think it also depends on the characters of who are involved and if they are willing to try and communicate a solution. when that breakdown has gone it makes things ten times harder and thats when conflicts of interest arise.. there is hope and there is a life after divorce and seperation you just have to give yourself a chance to change…

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