Would you cross the road to avoid having to say something?

We are born, we die: the only two certainties in our life.   Even if we push the inevitable as far away from us as we can, it does arrive.     We may not yet have experienced bereavement close up but at some time in our lives we will need to know what can be most helpful to a close friend or more distant acquaintance.

 

Billy, Me & You by Nicola Streeten is published by Turnaround £11.99 or www.guardian.co.uk/bookshop    Written 16 years after the death of her son this book has a distance and fuller perspective than you’d normally suppose.   She talks of the reaction of others towards her as well as her own process of grieving.   If we have no intimate experience of death this perspective could help us all as we have to come to terms with death being part of our lives, even if today everything is done to distance that fact from us.  

 

So what is our reaction?   What do we do or say?   Do we cross to the other side of the road to avoid talking to someone who has been bereaved?   Probably the best answer to the question, “what do I say or do?” is to ask yourself, what would I like to hear from others?  Continue reading

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Can you have Aims for your divorce or separation?

Why should litigation be allowed to make a break- up even worse than it need be? 

 

I know many solicitors who don’t want litigation as the divorce solution.   They are prepared to work with me towards a smooth transition.   In Brighton there is a group of professionals – (a collaborative networking group) who work towards better solutions for us all. 

 

At the moment I see more people once they have come through the legal process of divorce or separation.   But I have also seen people who have managed to keep a reasonable Continue reading

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Working together towards a good divorce:free session

On Saturday morning I offer my time free alongside a divorce collaborative lawyer and mediator.   Together with Jo O’Sullivan www.osullivanfamilylaw.com we are offering to see you for a free session as you approach separation or divorce.  

 

Reaching the end of a relationship can be a painful process and at times difficult to untangle living arrangements as well as all the emotional ones.   It is normal to be vulnerable at this time and where a visit to a lawyer can be daunting as it brings up areas you would rather didn’t have to be explored.      

  •        Maybe you have specific fears that are sparked off by the thought of separation;
  •        maybe they are more generalised and more difficult to fathom;
  •        you may have hopes that things go a certain way, even that they return to ‘normal’.   Continue reading
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Relationships MOT

I read about undertaking an MOT for a relationship with a professional or non-involved third party. It sounded like an idea many of us could benefit from.   We don’t need a problem to learn or become more aware, although we often wait till we’re deeply in a problem to seek a solution.  

 

I’ve heard a description of the problem patterns in a relationship as the ‘4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse’:     Contempt, Criticism,  Defensiveness and  Stonewalling. Continue reading

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Divorce-regrets-Conversation

“I had such a bad divorce.”

“There’s no such thing as a good divorce”

“Yes, OK, but, I feel so guilty about so many things.”

“Like?”

“Well for a start, not managing to make all that marriage stuff work OK however much I tried.”

“It takes two.”

“I ought to be able to if I really wanted it to work.”

“Tout puissance?  Was it all up to you?”

Pause,   “Well guilty:  that by that point I didn’t really want it to work.” Continue reading

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Success quotation

“To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”

 

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 – 1882) American Essayist & Poet

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Counselling for Toads

Counselling for Toads, by Robert de Board, published by Routledge www.routledgementalhealth.com is a delightful book about Toad of Toad Hall who starts on a journey of therapy for his depression.   It’s an imagined sequel to Wind in the Willows and describes, simply and clearly, the process of therapy or counselling used as a method of dealing with psychological distress.   An easy, quick read, this book shows in a simplified and imaginative way what happens to a character many of us already know.   Continue reading

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Aims in therapy

Have you thought of starting therapy, or feel that you could gain something from it?   If you have, before we start I suggest to my clients that they think of some aims for themselves.

 

As well as knowing what we aren’t happy about, or what our symptoms are, giving ourselves some aims helps focus on what we want.   It makes sure it is for us and not for a significant other in our lives nor for anybody else.   It also gives us a yardstick by which we can see some progress.   Sometimes that is important for the child in us. 

 

‘Hooray I have something to celebrate; I can feel something changing or moving.’  Continue reading

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Loss: Can we gain something from our loss? When we lose do we gain something?

I’ve been musing over the subject of loss after reading a review of “Making Toast: A Family Story”, a book written by Roger Rosenblatt after his daughter died leaving a young family.   The very touching extract written up is full of delicate details of what happens among the family as the grandparents, father and children become a type of newly constructed family.   In some sense in differing ways the new cohesion brought a diversion and a way of coping to them all.

 

Because that is all we can do:  cope with what has happened.   Nothing can be undone or mended.   However in the loss something new can be constructed and often great things are gained.    Continue reading

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Ending Relationships

 How do we end relationships?   Is it suddenly without warning?   Is it a decision taken by one person and the other has no chance of answering?   Is it by text, by email?    Is it a two sided agreement?

 

What we do in therapy is likely to be an exact replica of what we do in life.    Clients get an experience of this when they end therapy.    One of the guidelines I give at the outset of therapy is that when the client feels in any way like breaking or ending the commitment to therapy that is the time he comes and talks about his feelings. Continue reading

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